Things we love

The mega surf and the hot things that come with it. Jersey Live – a wicked festival in September. Performers get flown in in jets and get put up in the castle so everyone wants to play. It’s full of cougars and sugar daddies, classic! It’s hotter than the UK and tax free, baby!

Things we wish we’d known

Taxis haven’t got your back and night buses don’t exist. Chances are you’ll be bitten by bugs, assaulted by seagulls or run over by boy racers. Middle-aged men prowl the bars in search of victims, so watch out! There’s a 15mph speed limit on most of the island, so leave the Ferrari at home. Chances are your flight won’t take off; the runway is short and is usually covered in fog from the sea. It’s small and people love to gossip so bear that in mind before the walk of shame!